"Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm"

Day 19.1

A crash test is a form of destructive testing usually performed in order to ensure safe design standards in crashworthiness and crash compatibility for automobiles or related components.

Types of crash test include:

• Frontal-impact tests: which is what most people initially think of when asked about a crash test. These are usually impacts upon a solid concrete wall at a specified speed, but can also be vehicle-vehicle tests. SUV's have been singled out in these tests for a while, due to the high ride-height that they often have.

• Offset tests: in which only part of the front of the car impacts with a barrier (vehicle). These are important, as impact forces (approximately) remain the same as with a frontal impact test, but a smaller fraction of the car is required to absorb all of the force. These tests are often realized by cars turning into oncoming traffic.

• Side-impact tests: these forms of accidents have a very significant likelihood of fatality, as cars don't have a significant crumple zone to absorb the impact forces before an occupant is injured.

• Roll-over tests: which tests a car's ability (specifically the pillars holding the roof) to support itself in a dynamic impact. More recently dynamic rollover tests have been proposed as opposed to static crush testing.

• Roadside hardware crash tests: are used to ensure crash barriers and crash cushions will protect vehicle occupants from roadside hazards, and also to ensure that guard rails, sign posts, light poles and similar appurtenances do not pose an undue hazard to vehicle occupants.

• Old versus new: Often an old and big car against a small and new car, or two different generations of the same car model. These tests are performed to show the advancements in crashworthiness.

To prepare for these tests, only the most skilled and highly trained crash test dummies are selected.

About those TPS reports....

Day 19
 (Just another day at the office.)

Milton Waddams: I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it...
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Milton Waddams: And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
Peter Gibbons: I need to switch from A+ to O.
Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...
Peter Gibbons: Wha?

Quick...to the Hoveround!

Day 18

One day, I was walking by the local radioactive waste facility, when a two-headed, three-eyed bird swooped down, perched on my shoulder and  asked, ”Uncle Nemo, what does it take to be a superhero?”

“Here’s a list of a few things...” I replied.

Extraordinary powers and abilities, relevant skills and/or advanced equipment. Superhero powers vary widely; superhuman strength, the ability to fly, enhanced senses, and the projection of energy bolts are all common. Others have special weapons or technology, such as a powered armor suit or power ring. Many characters supplement their natural powers with a special weapon or device (e.g., a magic lasso and bracelets, webbing, claws, or hammer).

A strong moral code, including a willingness to risk one's own safety in the service of good without expectation of reward. Such a code often includes a refusal or strong reluctance to kill or wield lethal weapons.

A motivation. Such as a sense of responsibility (Spiderman), a formal calling (Wonder Woman) a personal vendetta against criminals (Batman), or a strong belief in justice and humanitarian service (Superman).

A secret identity. Protecting the superhero's friends and family from becoming targets of his or her enemies, such as Clark Kent, although many superheroes have a confidant (usually a friend or relative who has been sworn to secrecy).

A distinctive costume. Often used to conceal the secret identity.

An underlying motif or theme that affects the hero's name. Costume, personal effects, and other aspects of his or her character (e.g., Batman resembles a large bat, operates at night, calls his specialized automobile the "Batmobie", which also appears bat-like).

“There’s a lot more to it,” I told the little bird, “but those are the highlights.”

“What about retirement?” asked the bird.

“Well….that’s another story.”

I went to France and all I got was this yellow jersey.

Day 17

The Tour de France is an annual bicycle race held in France and nearby countries and is the most important cycling event in the world. First staged in 1903, the race covers more than 3,600 kilometers (2,200 mi) and lasts about three weeks. As the best known and most prestigious of cycling's three "Grand Tours", the Tour de France attracts riders and teams from around the world. The race is broken into day-long segments, called stages. Individual times to finish each stage are aggregated to determine the overall winner at the end of the race. The rider with the lowest aggregate time at the end of each day wears a yellow jersey. The course changes every year, but the race has always finished in Paris. Since 1975, the climax of the final stage has been along the Champs-Élysées.

The team from the United States is currently under investigation having been accused by the Belgium team for taking “short cuts” and mysteriously “disappearing” from the course.  Being that all U.S. team members have crossed the line having obviously exerted as much energy and stamina as their competitors, these allegations have been seen as folly and an attempt to stir public interest in the race.  Recently though, a photo emerged concerning the lead U.S. racer, just after winning the yellow jersey on day 5.  The rookie, and “Elliot” from Northern California, burst on the scene just last year. The photo shows the rider carrying an unidentified object on his handlebars.  It is unknown if this is what the Belgians are considering an advantage, but it is unlikely that additional weight would enhance a riders speed or ability.

I'll be right here...

Day 16

Our story begins in a Northern California forest as a group of alien botanists collect plant samples. U.S. government agents appear and the aliens flee in their spaceship, leaving one of their own behind in their haste. The scene shifts to a suburban California home, where a boy named Elliott plays servant to his older brother, Michael, and his friends. As he fetches pizza, Elliott discovers the stranded alien, who promptly flees. Despite his family's disbelief, Elliott leaves Reese's Pieces candy in the forest to lure it into his bedroom. Before he goes to bed, Elliott notices the alien imitating his movements.

Elliott feigns illness the next morning to avoid school so he can play with the alien. That afternoon, Michael and their younger sister, Gertie, meet the alien. Their mother, Mary, hears the noise and comes upstairs. Michael, Gertie, and the alien hide in the closet while Elliott assures his mother that everything is all right. Michael and Gertie promise to keep the alien a secret from their mother. Deciding to keep the alien, the children begin to ask it about its origin. It answers by levitating balls to represent its solar system, and further demonstrates its powers by reviving a dead plant.

The alien learns to speak English by repeating what Gertie says as she watches Sesame Street and, at Elliott's urging, dubs itself "E.T." It enlists Elliott's help in building a device to "phone home" by using a Speak & Spell. On Halloween, Michael and Elliott dress E.T. as a ghost so they can sneak him out of the house. Elliott and E.T. ride a bicycle to the forest, where E.T. makes a successful call home.

On the way back to Elliott’s home, E.T. again demonstrates his it’s abilities by levitating the bicycle it and Elliott are riding. While they are flying over the forest, to Elliott’s astonishment, E.T., who has been riding in the milk crate attached to the bicycle’s handlebars, turns to Elliott and in the Queen’s English says quite clearly, “Thank you chap, I’ll take it from here.” kicking Elliott off the bike and riding off into the moonlight.

Well, at least that’s the way I would have filmed it...

 

Some people stand in darkness, afraid to step into the light...

Day 14.1

There I was, chained to the headboard, motor oil smeared all over my body. She came in the room with a set of jumper cables, a Slim-Jim and a smile...

Oops...wrong blog.

Hello and welcome to the 224^th annual Illuminati BBQ picnic and volleyball tournament.

Oops...also, wrong blog.

This evening I would like to discuss KITT. As most of you know, KITT is an artificially intelligent electronic computer module installed in a highly advanced, very mobile, robotic automobile (1982 Pontiac Trans Am to be exact).  Okay so... what the heck. KITT is the reason 99.99% of viewers watched the show. The remaining .01% would turn on the show specifically for the music (Dun dun dun da, dun dun dun da, dun dun dun dun da daaaaaa, cha chow....) No one; seriously, NO ONE watched it for David Hasselhoff’s character of Michael Knight. I mean really, curly hair, black leather jacket....wearing boots?!? PLUS, Michael Knight would get himself into all sorts of crap and it was KITT that always had to save his butt.  You never, ever saw Michael save KITT from a trash compactor or wrecking ball, but ut-oh.....Michael has a hangnail, in swoops kit, flashing his red sensor, immobilizing the enemy and saving Michael.

The hell?!?

So, I ask...why, why, WHY was Hasselhoff given Baywatch? Now,  to those of you who have never seen the show (and don’t lie, cuz’ we know that you all have), I ask...wouldn’t it have been a much better show, a super fantastic show, a turbo-enhanced super-duper colossal totally AWESOME show, if it starred KITT instead of Hasselhoff?

Seriously.

Mom....do you have a carrot?

Day 14

I’ve often wondered what cave-children did to pass the time. I’m sure they had their daily chores; taking out the trash, cleaning up after the cave-dog and, of course, rubbing cave-grandma’s bunions for a nickel. You know, back then you could see twenty movies, eat hundreds of candy bars (snickers was a particular favorite, and back then, a single bar was the size of your arm) and take the bus twice daily for a week, all for only a nickel.  Cave-children didn’t have school, they could sleep in daily, and providing they were quick to learn how to chuck a spear or pick a berry, they had lots of free time.  The neighborhood toy store consisted of two sticks and a rock. (“Hey Gnart, look! A new stick is in stock, and this one has leaves!”)

Cave-children had to stay near their parents at all times. Given their high mortality rate due to Mammoth stomping, tar pits and the occasional drive by shooting*, cave-parents were really very strict when it came to their children wondering off. Most of the time, entertainment had to be relatively close and at least within spear-shot. The only fun activity cave-children had, was when it snowed.  Snow was the “Play-doh” of the age. You could shape it, mold it, eat it, and throw it! Snow was awesome, and you could play right outside your cave.  I’m assuming that it snowed quite often considering the stereotypical  cavemen are portrayed as wearing shaggy animal hides, armed with rocks or cattle bone clubs.  It had to be cold all the time right? I mean, next time you go to the natural history museum, tell me if you see a picture or display of cavemen and cavewomen in speedos and bikinis under an umbrella sippin’ a Carona  whilst playfully frolicking on the beach in southern Florida.  

Anyway, scientists have found evidence of the play habits of cave children in dozens of caves across the globe. Cave paintings showing children making cave-snowmen are not only endearing, but imaginative.  Thank goodness for snow, without it, cave –children would have spent their days whacking themselves and each other in the head with sticks they bought using the nickel from grandma.

*Drive by shootings by cavemen was not a common occurrence, resulting in more injuries than inflicted. Basically, a team of cavemen would cluster together as tight as they could and try to run past another clans cave while throwing rocks, shells, spears and small mammals. Often they could be seen coming from miles away (cavemen weren’t great strategists), giving the target clan a chance to prepare. Often a large boulder was propped above the entrance of a cave. When the offensive clan began their drive by…”plop”.

You may fire when ready...

Day 13.1

There's lots that can be said about Vader's robotic arm. Except the big problem is that a lot of it is non-movie canon, which throws certain geeks into fits of Mountain Dew-frothing rage. (We know because a good many of us fall into that category.) So maybe we shouldn't mention anything about the stuff that happens to Anakin Skywalker in Clone Wars or those "other" Star Wars movies. Regardless, Vader’s passion for bowling has often gone unnoticed. Having the ability to move objects with the force gives a decisive advantage especially in a 7-10 split. Vader, however, chooses to rely on pure strength (however mechanical) to gain an advantage over his opponents. 

During the annual intergalactic bowling tournament held on Tatooine (ABY12) (Authors Note: This was a magnificent event including Rancor races, pin the tail on the Wookie, and everyone’s favorite, Sarlac pit diving) the council of inter-space sports tournaments finally submitted to numerous complaints of Vader’s use of his robotic arm.  Lord Vader’s argument and formal protest concerning the fact that he is right handed and is simply not at fault that his right arm had been lopped off requiring a robotic replacement,  should have no bearing on his ability to bowl, especially when you consider that two of the competitors were in fact all robotic, being classified as “droids”.  

Finding a reasonable solution, the council opted to allow Vader to bowl, however at a slight disadvantage. He was to remove 1/16 of the balls weight. In a fit of rage, Vader swung his lightsaber, removing an exact, circular chunk from his ball.

Everyone knows it windy.....

Day 13


A wind farm is a group of wind turbines in the same location used for production of electric power. Individual turbines are interconnected with a medium voltage (usually 34.5 kV) power collection system and communications network. At a substation, this medium-voltage electrical current is increased in voltage with a transformer for connection to the high voltage transmission system.

A large wind farm may consist of several hundred individual wind turbines, and cover an extended area of hundreds of square miles, but the land between the turbines may be used for agricultural or other purposes. A wind farm may be located offshore to take advantage of strong winds blowing over the surface of an ocean or lake.

Wind farms are still very rare, as turbines are difficult to grow. In a natural situation, turbine development starts with skotomorphogenesis while the turbine is growing through the soil and attempting to reach the light as fast as possible. During this phase, the cotyledons are tightly closed and form the apical hook to protect the shoot apical meristem from damage while pushing through the soil. In many turbines, the seed coat still covers the cotyledons for extra protection.

Upon breaking the surface and reaching the light, the turbines's developmental program is switched to photomorphogenesis. The cotyledons open upon contact with light (splitting the seed coat open, if still present) and become white, forming the first photosynthetic organs of the young turbine. Until this stage, the turbine lives off the energy reserves stored in the seed. The opening of the cotyledons exposes the shoot apical meristem and the plumule consisting of the first true blades of the young trubine.

Quite honestly, they are bitch to grow....

Is that a monster under your kilt?

Day 12

The Loch Ness Monster is reputed to inhabit Loch Ness in the Scottish Highlands. The most frequent speculation is that the creature represents a line of long-surviving plesiosaurs. It is similar to other supposed lake monsters in Scotland and elsewhere, though its description varies from one account to the next.

Popular interest and belief in the animal has fluctuated since it was brought to the world's attention in 1933. Evidence of its existence is considered anecdotal, with minimal and much-disputed photographic material and sonar readings.

Many skeptics consider lake monsters to be purely exaggerations or misinterpretations of known and natural phenomena, or else fabrications and hoaxes. Most lake monsters have no evidence besides alleged sightings and controversial photographs and a large portion are generally believed not to exist by conventional zoology and allied sciences. Misidentified sightings of seals, otters, deer, diving water birds, large fish such as giant sturgeons, logs, mirages, light distortion, crossing boat wakes, or unusual wave patterns have all been proposed to explain specific reports. Social scientists point out that descriptions of these creatures vary over time with the values and mood of the local cultures, following the pattern of folk beliefs and not what would be expected if the reports were of actual encounters with real animals.

All I can say is, “Dem’s good eatin’!”

Always carry a pack of trojans.

Day 10

The Trojan Horse is a tale from the Trojan War, as told in Virgil's Latin epic poem The Aeneid and by Quintus of Smyrna. The events in this story from the Bronze Age took place after Homer's Iliad, and before his Odyssey. It was the stratagem that allowed the Greeks finally to enter the city of Troy and end the conflict.

In one version, after a fruitless 10-year siege, the Greeks constructed a huge wooden horse, and hid a select force of 30 men inside. The Greeks pretended to sail away, and the Trojans pulled the horse into their city as a victory trophy. That night the Greek force crept out of the horse and opened the gates for the rest of the Greek army, which had sailed back under cover of night. The Greek army entered and destroyed the city of Troy, decisively ending the war.

In the Greek tradition, the horse is called Δούρειος Ἵππος, Doúreios Híppos, the "Wooden Horse", in the Homeric Ionic dialect. Metaphorically a "Trojan Horse" has come to mean any trick or stratagem that causes a target to invite a foe into a securely protected bastion or space. It is now often associated with "malware" computer programs presented as useful or harmless to induce the user to install and run them.

Seahorses compose the fish genus Hippocampus within the family Syngnathidae, in order Syngnathiformes. Syngnathidae also includes the pipefishes. "Hippocampus" comes from the Ancient Greek hippos meaning "horse" and kampos meaning “sea monster”.

Epeus (or Epeius or Epeos), a skilled boxer (Iliad XXIII), who is credited with building the Trojan horse with the help of Athena, as is told in the Odyssey…was a bit of a smart-ass.

"I'm Lovin' It"

Day 9.1

What is it that we remember when we think of Ronald? I think everyone who knows him very well would agree with me on this. It was his sense of humor. He was the kind of person that would make everyone laugh so hard that they’d end up crying. Who could forget about his two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, all on a sesame seed bun? How about all his shakes and delicious fries?  Goodness! Just thinking about those fries makes my mouth water.  . That is what I will truly miss about Ronald. He could make me hungry when I had already had lunch. He always cheered me up when he knew I just had a bad day. That’s the trademark of Ronald. No, it wasn’t just the golden arches, it was more…..he always wanted to make people happy.

Ronald’s death was sudden. I remember when I heard the news I simply could not believe it. Ronald was too young but as it slowly occurred to me I have realized that Ronald indeed lived his life wonderfully. Ronald was well-loved and he had done so many things on earth and I’m sure he’ll do much more in heaven. I will forever be grateful to have known Ronald. I will forever be grateful that Ronald was there at the right place and at the right time, always ready with a friendly smile, a 32oz soda and soft serve ice cream. I will forever be grateful for spending over 30 years of my life with a friend like him. All the memories I have shared with him will forever be cherished and remembered. Ronald will forever live in my heart… In our hearts.

Ronald is in heaven now and we are here on his funeral. This is not the time for us to grieve his death but it’s our time to celebrate his life. Don’t ever forget Ronald. He never wanted to see people cry. He wanted to make everyone happy. So at this moment when we are about to lay his body to rest, let’s all think back and remember how Ronald touched our lives. How he made us laugh and how good Ronald was as a person. This is not the moment for us to shed our tears but we should all be thankful that we were given the chance to have known Ronald.

Ronald will forever be missed but I know in the right time, I will meet Ronald again. We will all meet Ronald. As Ronald always said, we deserve a break today. May you enjoy your break Ronald. 

What do we want? Brains! When do we want them? NOW!

Day 9

Congratulations! We're glad you're ready to fight for zombie rights. This article outlines some of the steps involved and the associated pitfalls to avoid when planning a successful zombie gathering.

Leadership: As you know, it is vital that some of the living remain in positions of leadership in the organization to provide the necessary motivation and thought-process behind running a large organization. Although, for consistency, you probably want your highest official to be a zombie in order to have him speak incoherently at corporate meetings and drool convincingly in discussions with politicians. However, leadership at the event should be an intelligent human, sympathetic to zombie rights. As the event coordinator, this human can provide guidance via a megaphone and also serves as a rallying point around which zombies will gather. Occasionally this "gathering" leads to "dismemberment" so you want to ensure that your event coordinator is expendable. This position fits nicely for zombie-rights activists hoping to transition to the less-demanding, zombie lifestyle.

Attendance:You might have a whole legion of supporters, but it's important to mobilize your zombie protesters so that they show up on the day of the event. Plan ahead so that folks can put it on their calendars. You can notify the mindless via your MySpace or Facebook account. Pass out leaflets to ensure the interested are notified. We've found that promising that there will be beer and brains brings the college-aged zombies out en masse in particular.

Location: We recommend a popular location with high-visibility for maximum exposure to the uninitiated. Although some organizations prefer the march, we find it easier to choose a specific place to protest. Shambling does not lend itself to marching, and zombies tend to get distracted more easily while in motion. Check with your local city hall to find out if you need a permit to gather at the location you've chosen. Remember that some of your supporters undoubtedly have physical impairments, so ensure your site is fully accessible.

Coverage: It's important to get your event covered by the media so that your reach is greater than those present at the event. After all, they all may have been eaten, even the well-intentioned, amenable-to-Zombie-rights ones (sometimes they're the tastiest) Documentary film makers, such as George A. Romero, are an indispensable resource in getting the word out. Make use of them as whenever possible.

Wax on....wax off.....

Day 8.1

Miyagi: Now, ready?
Daniel: Yeah, I guess so.
Miyagi: [sighs] Daniel-san, must talk.
[they both kneel]
Miyagi: Walk on road, hm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later
[makes squish gesture]
Miyagi: get squish just like grape. Here, karate, same thing. Either you karate do "yes" or karate do "no." You karate do "guess so,"
[makes squish gesture]
Miyagi: just like grape. Understand?
Daniel: Yeah, I understand.
Miyagi: Now, ready?
Daniel: Yeah, I'm ready.

Miyagi: Good, now take paper.
Daniel: Any piece?
Miyagi: Hai.
Daniel: Where do I start?

Miyagi: Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.
Daniel: What?!?
Miyagi: Never mind Daniel-san. Start folding.

[Mr. Miyagi and Daniel begin folding paper. Miyagi making beautiful, ornate pieces of art, Daniel making spit wads.]

Daniel: [after seeing Miyagi practice the crane technique] Could you teach me?
Miyagi: First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule, Daniel-san, not mine.
Daniel: Where'd you learn it from?
Miyagi: Google, Daniel-san...Google.

Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law.

Day 8

You know what I love?

Doughnuts.

A doughnut is a type of fried dough food popular in many countries and prepared in various forms as a sweet (or occasionally savory) snack that can be homemade or purchased in bakeries, supermarkets, food stalls, and franchised specialty outlets. They are usually sweet, deep-fried and shaped in rings or flattened spheres that sometimes contain fillings. Other types of dough such as potato can also be used as well as other batters, and various toppings and flavorings are used for different types.

I love maple-bacon doughnuts. There are several varieties of maple-bacon, including the “Long John” which is coated in a maple glaze with a single piece of bacon on top. There is the bacon filled and the bacon fried-in-dough maple-glazed. But my favorite is the maple-glazed, maple-filled, that has been rolled in bacon pieces.

One time, I was in New York. For breakfast, I wandered into a doughnut shop that had been recommended to me. As I sipped my hot coffee and ate my maple-bacon hunk of goodness, in walks RoboCop. Now, I knew that he had been transferred from Detroit after OCP had finally gone under, and control of the government was restored to the people, but I didn’t know he wound up working for the NYPD.

I have the utmost respect for law enforcement and am whole heartedly thankful for the risk they take each day for us. That being said, officers that have been on the force for a while tend to get, shall we say…familiar with eateries on their beat. Apparently,   RoboCop had become VERY familiar with this particular doughnut shop.  As he came in, I began to gawk, but his presence was so familiar to the locals, no one else seemed to notice. He walked to the counter and placed an order for three dozen French crullers and one strawberry glazed. He then began to chow down, eating the entire lot in a few moments. He then stood up, thanked the cashier and said, “Please tell Joe I’ll be by again around noon for another three dozen.”

So, anyway, New York was fun.

Try the blue stuff....it's delicious!

Day 7.1

“Ahem….waiter!”

“Yes sir? What can I do for you?”

“I really do not want to be a bother. Never mind, I’m fine.”

“Sir, if there is anything I can do to make your dining experience more enjoyable, please let me know, I’m here to serve you.”

“Well, I want to inquire about your soup.”

“Our soup?”

“Yes.”

“Our soup is the finest in the world! Using only the best and rarest ingredients, our chef slaves each and every day to create our masterpiece. We’ve won several national and international awards for our soup.  People travel far and wide, from dozens of countries simply to sample our soup!”

“Yes, I know, that is why we came. In fact, I have a bowl here.”

“Ah, you do! Fantastic! Is there a problem? Is the taste not to your liking?”

“Actually, I haven’t tried it yet. There is something floating in it….”

“Floating?!?”

“Yes…look here.”

“Ahhhh, but sir, that is the secret, that is what makes our soup special…that is the ‘piece de resistance’!”

“REALLY?!?”

“Sir, that particular ingredient is extremely rare. Only our owner and founder know where to collect them.  He arrives each day; with a limited quantity…you may be interested to know that you are one of the few to receive a whole one! Please sir, enjoy!”

“Okay, I’ll try it….”

“Magnifique! If there is anything else I can do for you, please…let me know.”

“Will do…thank you.”

“Thank you sir, and please enjoy the rest of your evening here at Gargamel’s Bistro.”

They come in peace?

Day 7
Generally alien abduction does not go well. The word "probe" tends to be associated with it, which is undesirable as either a noun or a verb. However, there is one memorable exception when you want to be abducted by the mothership: Galaga. You let the Boss come down and hit the tractor beam (beeeeeeeeewwwwwww), and then later when you kill the Boss, you get TWO fighters at your command, which is really useful in the Challenging Stages. Instead of pew pew pew, it's pewpew pewpew pewpew.

I digress...

Let's be honest, as much as we hope the aliens will let the Federation run the quadrant, there's also the chance that they'll want to obliterate the human race. Or enslave us in work camps like the Cardassians did to the poor Bajorans. Gosh, that would be horrible, wouldn't it? We need to prepare our wee geeks to smack the crap out of aliens, just like our beloved Kirk did. (Teaching them to "appreciate" alien women like Kirk did is optional.)

Or rather, let's open our friendly skies to the alien tourist. Let's take the chance, I'm sure it would be much appreciated.

Yes. Yes. I'm George, George McFly. I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.

Day 6.2

Some history books will state that Pierre and Ernest Michaux, the French father and son team of carriage-makers, invented the first bicycle during the 1860s. Historians now disagree and there is evidence that the bicycle is older than that. However, historians do agree that Ernest Michaux did invent the modern bicycle pedal and cranks in 1861.

The Penny Farthing is also referred to as the 'High' or 'Ordinary' bicycle, and the first one was invented in 1871 by British engineer, James Starley. The Penny Farthing came after the development of the 'Hobbyhorse', and the French 'Velocipede' or 'Boneshaker', all versions of early bikes. However, the Penny Farthing was the first really efficient bicycle, consisting of a small rear wheel and large front wheel pivoting on a simple tubular frame with tires of rubber.

In 1985, Dr. Emmett Brown develops the Flux Capacitor, enabling man to travel in time. In his first test, Dr. Brown successfully modifies a DeLorean capable of time travel.

In 1993, ESPN management decides to devote significant resources to the creation of an international gathering of action sport athletes. A team assembles to develop the concept. The X-games is born.

‘Nuff said…..

Real protection from carpal tunnel....

Day 6.1
So, I was sitting around my office, thinking about how awesome it would be if I had a set of red leather gauntlets, much like Captain America. I began to  ponder at how much gauntlets have gone out of fashion. During the Civil War, it was unheard of for an officer, both Union and Confederate, to be seen much less taken seriously without their gauntlets. Nowadays, unless your Superman, no self-respecting superhero would be caught dead without their gauntlets.  I mean really, if Batman swooped down on you after you had just knocked off the neighborhood liquor store, grabbed you by the collar and hoisted you up against a wall how truly effective would all that drama be if all you could pay attention to is how much he really needed to take care of that hangnail problem.  Knights had awesome gauntlets, made of steel. Heavy. Tough. Menacing. After the medieval period, folks pretty much gave up on steel gauntlets as impractical. I say that the low-tech gauntlet is a vastly underrated every-day fashion accessory. After all, who wouldn't want their hands protected with heavy steel polished to a chrome finish? Gauntlets are perfect for making a bold statement when flipping the bird. Also, gauntlets are damn impressive at company meetings when you slam your fist on the conference table to emphasis your new budget proposal. In short, steel gauntlets get you respect and fear from everyone around you... and that's not a bad thing.

ROCK ME AMADEUS!!

Day 6
The concert was lovely. The hall buzzed with excitement as the conductor entered. Having already warmed up, the orchestra, now silent, began to position themselves for the highlight of the evening....Mozart's Symphony No.31 in D "Paris". Not particularly difficult to play, but requiring each instrument and precise timing. The audience was electrified.....

Then, it happened. At first I wasn't paying attention. Having dribbled soda on my shirt and noticing the fresh pizza stains had come dangerously close to my iron-on "Autobot" logo, but the gasp from the first two rows immediately caught my attention. One of the cellists had stood up and began to roughly, randomly draw his bow across his strings, making a squeal of noise until, abruptly, all music stopped.  The conductor, seemingly struck with terror, turned to the crowd, ripped off is coat and exclaimed, "Do you wanna ROCK?!?".

The orchestra then began "You shook me all night long" by AC/DC, followed by Puccini's "Tosca".  After a few mosh pits, sing-alongs and excitement over a couple in the front row who had apparently smuggled in some narcotics (Sorry lady, and no I don't care if that mink is an heirloom....hands behind your back, call for backup!), the cellist who started the whole thing, stood up, and smashed his cello onstage.

Fava beans and a nice chianti.

Day 5.1
"You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed: pure West Virginia. What is your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to the FBI."
~Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Scary dude. Really scary, especially when you consider that his pulse never, NEVER, goes over 92.   Now imagine Dr. Lecter as a cookie....

....just sayin'.

Ooo, ooo,ooo...I wanna be like you-oooo....

Day 5
Face it. You knew from the first time you climbed on the monkey bars that you were 98% Chimp. You could swing, screech, eat bananas... really all you needed were opposable toes and some additional body hair to make the picture complete. In the 1970s studies emerged comparing promising sequences of aligned human and chimpanzee DNA. The divergences were striking in their minimalism -- the differences due to base substitution came back under 2%. Aha! There's that opposable toe.

Even today, with new technology and the entire chimpanzee genome mapped, the numbers run about the same. Unless you count indels. Which we don't. Don't get us wrong. We like indels. Heck. Just the way they put the word together makes us all misty for "modem." Indels, aka insertions and deletions of nucleotides in a protein sequence, make up an additional estimated 3% of differences between human and chimp genetics. They're common in non-coding regions of the DNA, bits where we're not quite sure what the DNA is doing, other than slacking off.

Easter....already?!?

Day 4.1
On Easter Island there sit hundreds of stone heads, called moai. Huge, they are, and mysterious. They stare out - but why? Are they watching over the people of the island? Are they waiting for something to arrive in the waves? Or, are they just the tip of giant stone monsters resting until they get their cue from space which will make them unearth themselves and take over our planet? The world may never know....

This is your captain speaking.....

Day 4
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard Oceanic Airlines Flight Eight-One-Five with non-stop service to Los Angeles International Airport. If Los Angeles is not in your travel plans today, please see a flight attendant. The captain has estimated our flying time at 20 hours and 27 minutes. Please pay attention as we demonstrate the safety features of this Boeing Seven-Seven-Seven aircraft. Federal law requires your compliance with all lighted signs, posted placards, and crew-member instructions. There are eight exits on this aircraft. Please take a moment now to locate the exit nearest you, keeping in mind that the nearest exit may be behind you. All Oceanic Airlines flights are non-smoking. There is no smoking in the aircraft, including the lavatories. The lavatories are equipped with smoke monsters. Tampering with, disabling, or destroying a lavatory smoke monster is strictly prohibited.

((Why am I still watching "Lost" on Netflix?))

Abnormal - Do Not Use!

Day 3.1
Welcome to the Brain Depository web site. This site provides firms and individuals with a variety of information about our services. The Brain Depository offers a variety of insured depository storage and reporting arrangements to meet the wide range of operational needs of its customers. Our climate-controlled facility provides a strictly regulated neuron preservation environment, precise inventory-tracking controls, efficient online retrieval ordering, and dependable overnight delivery of materials requested from storage. We work closely with hospitals and mortuaries to provide all our customers, from mad scientists to zombies, the quality materials they need. The Brain Depository eliminates the need to contact each provider directly, saving time, reducing freight costs, and simplifying purchasing procedures. Grey matters. The Brain Depository understands.

Good they are....

Day 3

So late one afternoon we all took a break and headed down to a local Mexican tavern for margaritas ("And I said no salt, NO salt on the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt..."). We're sitting there, talking about the latest beer-delivery robots and how popular a caffeinated tequila would be, when the house band kicks off their set.


To say it was an odd experience would be a vast understatement. You sort of expect the band to come with a guitar. Or a vocalist. Or if it's in a cantina, a violin or an accordion for the Mariachi of it all. At the very least, there'd definitely be a stringed instrument involved. No such luck. These guys were 100% woodwinds. A bassoon, an oboe... we're not sure what all was in the mix. But it sounded surprisingly great together, as they played their upbeat tunes. We were told by some regulars that they come out with new tunes every week.

Now, when you're really good at something, and you know it, and you have throngs of cheering fans constantly telling you how good you are... well, you're bound to develop a Big Head. Your dad warned you about this medical condition. Unfortunately, the band we saw didn't heed Dad's warnings. The constant praise and adulation of fans has modified the band members' craniums in such a way that, well, they all have big heads. Literally. It's bizarre, which is naturally just the way we like it.

Arrrrr....Hold the Peanut Butter.....Pass the Jelly!

Day 2.1
Blackbeard was just about the most ruthless pirate ever. His management style was unique, to say the least. If one of his crew misbehaved, he would drop them in a large tank full of jellyfish and delight as the jewels he kept at the bottom of the tank reflected different colors into the ballet of agony that played out before him. According to the infamous pirate's diaries, it really calmed his nerves, too. Wow. Well, while we don't recommend all that for your office, there is something we can take from this story: jellyfish are relaxing.

Oh Gravity....Thou Art a Heartless Bitch.

Day 2
Everybody talks about Newton and the apple, which is an apocryphal story at best. I'm here to talk about something we have hard, scientific facts about -- Newton's luscious locks. Yes, that's undoubtedly a wig in the image everybody associates with him. Louis XIV made them hip (dude had 48 wigmakers), so they were a pretty popular way to show your class in the late 17th century. Newton's looks pretty good so we're gonna guess he went with human hair, as opposed to the yak alternative. And being a scientist, he was probably clever enough to know not to purchase a plague-victim-harvested head of hair. (Who looked at the dead bodies and thought, "All that hair going to waste!" Whomever it was, we're sure they were fa-bu-lous.) But the interesting part is Newton's own hair, the stuff under the wig. Testing in 1979 showed strands of hair purported to be Newton's to have elevated levels of mercury, lead, arsenic, and antimony. So apparently you get bouncy curls by shampooing with heavy metals. More recent mitochondrial DNA testing has shown that the hair might or might not have been Newton's. We don't know what to make of that, but we think he'd be elated that he's still a subject of science debate almost 300 years after his death.

Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Windego and the Yeti.

Day 1.1
Thanks to those of you who made suggestions. I will try to make things....interesting.

That being said.  My thought for this evening....Sasquatch.

I do love the big guy, in fact, Sasquatch was my nickname for a very, very long time. I still respond to the name. If you see me on the street, just yell, "Hey Sasquatch!" I'll turn, let out a loud "wookie" yarp and lumber slowly for a few steps before disappearing into my surroundings.

So, why can't we find the big lug? Some think he doesn't exist, but I say we will never find him. We are simply not looking hard enough and have not provided enough resources for the search. Consider this. There are millions of acres of wilderness where Sasquatch lives. Millions!!! He knows the terrain, nice cozy spots and exactly where the dear and antelope play.  Can you say the same of your own city, town or even neighborhood.  Have you ever gone for a walk and noticed something you've passed a thousand times only to ask yourself, "When in the HELL did they build that?!?" I'm sure you have.  So why would we be surprised that we wonder only a few acres into dense wilderness for only a few hours, even days and marvel as to why we never find Sasquatch?

Let's alter things a bit, just a smidgen. Let's say Sasquatch was leading a team into a city to find a human with Heterochromia Iridum (different colored eyes, one blue/one brown, you get the idea). Now we, being human, know that this condition exists, maybe you've even know someone....but to Sasquatch.....WOW! Imagine THAT, a human with different colored eyes!

Sorry, just an aside here, I just imagined a snippet from the "Bigfoot" Discovery Channel where an eyewitness gave testimony that they saw the elusive human with "Funny Eyes".

"There I was, poking around my favorite ant hill, diggin' for the chewy ones, when this human popped out wearing a backpack and zubaz. I think I startled him. I was scared too, but all I could do was stand there as the human let out an ear piercing scream as he gazed me down with his eyes......his DIFFERENT COLORED EYES.....it was freaky man. It still haunts me to this day."

Anyway, so let's say this team of Sasquatch goes to the nearest town to find a human with H.I. Good luck. Even if they searched every square inch of every single building, home or area even touched by a human, the chances of them finding the exact town, at the exact time, with the exact condition are unimaginable. And that is a mapped city with addresses, names, exact locations found on Google Earth and by the IRS!

Now compare that to say, oh....an ENTIRE forest! We don't stand a chance.  So, I say, let Sasquatch live in peace. Leave him alone, let him have his occasional sighting and scare a few people and be done with it. That is, unless the federal government is willing to fully fund Sasquatch research. In that case, I need to form a team and start on a 25 year plan to document, observe and film ( but never capture or harm) Sasquatch. By my estimate, I'll need $45,000,000.

Who's with me?

Food, Zombies, and Aliens....Oh MY!

Day 1
Zombies in space? Whoa.....I'd see that, especially if its Star Wars or Star Trek. Having more humans, Star Trek would the the logical (Ha!) zombie playground. Of course, your longevity would depend almost entirely on your rank. There are a lot of ways to die if you're a red shirt. You can be shot by a poisonous plant, step on an exploding rock, be struck by lightning, get whacked by a native with a big stick, choke on a dikironium cloud, or, our personal favorite, be beamed down to a planet that's not actually there and get sucked into space, never to be seen again. But it's an entirely different matter when Bones says, "He's undead, Jim." That's way worse than dead, and the entire galaxy could be at risk! Be sure to double tap with your phaser.

Technically, Data would be the only save crew member on TNG. Wouldn't you love to see Worf as a zombie? AWESOME! Hey, Borgs are kinda like Zombies, aren't they? Discuss....